Tales of Misadventure

Where The Wild Things Aren't

2009-12-28T22:49:00.002Z

This is not a review.

Rather, this is an impassioned plea - if you're old enough to know better, but do it anyway; if you had that kind of childhood; if you're all grown-up with nowhere to hide - go see this film. Immediately.

Do it. It's amazing. And your heart and soul deserve it.
That or you could come over to mine and smoke crack.

Up to you, really.

Home Wrecker

2009-12-09T00:01:00.002Z

Fuck damn, all this home-creation / nesting bullshit is starting to make me wonder why anyone lives indoors, anymore. We've become puppets to our four walls.

Filling up your living space with crap you don't want has got to be one of the saddest things to happen to your soul (wallet).

We're Ikea's (or; Habitat/Elle Decoration/Muji et al) bitches and we love it. We're whores for mass consumption and ain't no mountain high enough for us to climb up to buy that shiny red lamp or Vince Ray poster.

Enjoy it, fuckers. I'm going to burn my flat down and go live in a box in Vietnam, sucking up the life outta some pretty little teen-boys.

Ohhhh yeahhhhhhhhh.

2009-03-13T23:54:00.000Z

El Borbah by Charles Burns

My review

rating: 5 of 5 stars
What is there not to like about this? Because this is full of awe and good. I am biased towards anything by Burns, but this is an excellent read and Burns' style, while not for everybody, is so great here. I actually have no idea what to say, because, there needs nothing saying - GO BUY IT.

View all my reviews.

2009-03-13T23:37:00.003Z

Shantaram by Gregory David Roberts

My review

rating: 4 of 5 stars
A dissection of a fantastical life. A look at a wonderful, dusty, dirty, beautiful country. Something to read while you wait for your Darjeeling Limited.

View all my reviews.

2009-03-13T23:37:00.001Z

The Simulacra by Philip K. Dick

My review

rating: 4 of 5 stars
One of the few "minor" PKD books I would foist upon you, before I recommend the Big Ones. You don't even need to like sci-fi, to enjoy this - the beauty of (most of) PKD's oeuvre.

View all my reviews.

2009-03-13T23:03:00.002Z

Black Hole by Charles Burns

My review

rating: 5 of 5 stars
Quite possibly my favourite graphic novel, and book in general. It's just amazing. And yes, that has everything to do with Charles Burns. I recommend this. Even more-so than WATCHMEN. It's that fucking brilliant.

If you want to read something that's intriguing, accessible and'll remind you of your school-days, this is THE comic/book for you. Stop reading this and go buy it.

View all my reviews.

Mickey Rourke and Iron Tight Fist of Marvel

2009-02-19T23:59:00.003Z

This mini-saga with Mickey and Marvel is starting to make my balls ache. I want for the man to win the Oscar, pick up where he left off over 20 years ago and maybe get some corrective facial surgery. I can at least content myself with the knowledge that only one of those things is actually likely to happen (I let you decide which).

But, all this dick-swinging with Marvel is boring. Either take the gig, for whatever they're offering you, or don't. You don't need to hold out for a better offer, Mickey. You don't need the fucking money. What're you thinking? That you do The Wrestler and suddenly everyone ought to suck your cock and offer you the millions? If anything, you need the film, more than it needs you. Especially when The Informers comes out, if indeed it does come out, and you're back to starring in total junk - I hear that The Informers was universally reviled at SUNDANCE.

Get a grip, motherfucker. Much as I love you, don't be arrogant. That shit sent you swirling down before. You stepped it up with Aronofsky, and earned your nomination(s) / win(s). Keep it stepped up, and don't fall back in to old habits.

REVIEW: The Curious Case of Why I don't like Benjamin Button's Curious Case

2009-02-10T21:27:00.004Z

There is much I could say about this film. There are great metaphysical questions posed here, by David Fincher and Eric Roth.
There are technical wizardry's on display that will astound and delight you. But you know what? Screw all that.
This film was bland. I was bored. I rarely get bored watching a film. This is probably because I don't watch boring films - You should all go rent/steal/ILLEGALLY DOWNLOAD the Jason Statham tour-de-force that is CRANK. Oh my, what a delight that film is!
But holy gods damn was I bored of this film. I was bored of it as soon as Brad Pitt failed to master his Southern drawl and show some charisma. Even worse considering he's narrator AND star. Seriously, I fucking love Pitt, but my word was he a total cypher in this flick. He narrates what would be an exciting romp through a varied and charmed life, if it were not so fucking bland. I'll tell you what I remember of his life... he kept retreating back to his old home, where he expected everything to be alright. Yeah, that was it. For a kid in an old body, you simply see an old man who may or may not have lost is marbles. For a young man with the wizened oaks of mind (i.e. VICE VERSA, BITCHES) he just seems... bland. BLAND is a word I may use a lot during this review.

Actually, let me tell you about this film, you may have seen it before...
It starts with a young boy, confused and lost in the world, unable to find his place. As he grows up, he has dreams of a distant, far away life, living the adventure he's always wanted to. His mother spouts ridiculous, meta statements. She tells him about life, through various wordy sentences that would make your own mother want to disown you.
Boy grows up. Goes off to live an interesting (read BLAND) life. Comes back home. BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.
I think I just half-arsed described FORREST GUMP there. Oh, right, I did. Probably because The Curious Case of Benjamin Button and Forrest Gump were both written by Eric Roth. A man I hope will never write another film again. And that's saying something, cos the fucker wrote MUNICH. A film nobody saw, but was actually quite interesting.
Oh, fuck this film. It's bland as a motherfucker. Let's talk about CRANK. A film so good, it makes me want to masturbate till my heart bursts out of my chest, and I die in a fiery orgasm. BECAUSE I WILL HAVE CAUGHT FLAME FROM THE PETROL I JUST SPUNKED OUT OF MY EYEBALLS. Seriously, CRANK is such hilarious, over-the-top VIDEO GAME fun, that I wonder why Paul W.S. Anderson hasn't attempted something like it, seeing as that fucker is always cranking out video-game films. Oh, wait, he did try it, with Death Race. Well, OK, nevermind. I just hope his balls drop off. CRANK has Statham, having been poisoned by some deadly poison, having to run around keeping his adrenaline levels up, because if he doesn't, he will DIE. Nobody wants to die, really, so what ensues is a madcap jaunt/chase through, what I think is L.A., seeing Statham aka Chev Chelios fucking up folks and jacking up the ante. Literally - during a great scene in a hospital, he DEFIBRILLATES HIMSELF. Now, not only is this ridiculous and awesome, it's also cocklickingly BADASS. It's at this juncture that I would like to take a moment to talk about the etymology of the word 'CRANK' You know, it's used to describe an act whereby, typically by hand, you impart rotary motion on, say, a series of gears or a rotating shaft. So, by cranking the machine, you make it work. Another use for the word comes from off the streets, yo! It's a slang term used to talk about COCAINE. This film is deeper than you think.

FOR REAL.

There's another scene where Chev has to bang his girlfriend, to keep himself going and it's wonderfully played out with much aplomb by Statham and a wickedly willing Amy Smart. I can only recommend this film so much, so I will. GO WATCH THAT, INSTEAD. Seriously. Benjamin Button is not that good, despite what the posters and the Golden Globe/BAFTA/Oscar nominations say. It will not immerse you in Button's world. It will mostly leave you empty and cold. And this is only if you're NOT an idiot. Idiots will eat this plate of bland up. But you read this site because you're not bland, and because this review is not bland. So do yourself a favour, inject some motherfucking fun in to your evening(s) and watch CRANK. And, if you want to watch an actual, intelligent film, go watch Doubt. It is well made, wonderfully acted and thought provoking. Oh, and it will make you curse the Academy for shafting it, so that they could lick the balls of everyone involved with Benjamin Button, The Reader and Revolutionary Road. Actually, I have a theory as to why The Curious Case of Benjamin Button is getting to much love - It's because nobody fucking saw Zodiac, Fincher's masterpiece. It's his best film to date and I don't believe it gathered any love. So they're making up for it, now. But let me assure you, Benjamin Button will NOT win Best Picture. Slumdog Millionaire has that wrapped up (and rightfully so). If Benjamin Button does win, I'll cockpunch myself.

Go see it because Cate Blanchett is great, because Fincher has employed some wonderful digital FX and because Jared Harris is great in his small role. As is Taraji P. Henson. But, ultimately, don't go see it because you're expecting a great film. No. Don't be fooled.

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button aka Forrest Gump

2009-02-10T16:57:00.003Z

I won't lie. I was certainly among those few cinephiles who touched themselves sexy when the first teaser (in Spanish!) for The Curious Case of Benjamin Button hit the web. But having seen the film, my disappoints rain down on what should have been an orgy of technical wizardry and wonderful fantasy.

Instead, we got Eric Roth shitting out the script to Forrest Gump, only this time with the flecks of the F. Scott Fitzgerald short story. Honestly, this film could have been better. I did not need to see Brad Pitt GUMPING it up. It was bland, boring and completely undeserving of an any awards nominations. Well, maybe those technical ones. And one for Cate Blanchett, who should be in Kate Winslet's spot. God damn Kate Winslet for being nominated for mediocre acting, in mediocre films. God damn those films, too, for getting recognised as being more than MEDIOCRE.

Actually, that's not true.

The Reader is turgid. Stephen Daldry is out there, right now, planning his next piece of boring cinema.

May the Gods help you all.

Revelation

2009-01-31T02:56:00.000Z

I hate bloggers.

A review of today's news

2008-12-09T18:40:00.003Z

THE FUCKING WORLD IS ON THE BRINK OF THE EDGE OF ENDING.

OH MY GOODNESS! ONLY AL GORE AND BARACK OBAMA CAN SAVE US NOW?
NO MAYBE JESUS WILL STILL DO IT!

Yeah, that about sums it up. Oh, and, in unrelated news news, Somali "pirates" have "surpressed" a "revolt" on the Ukranian boat they've... "pirated". Well, now, where's the DEFCON 5 level retaliation from... um... anybody?

Anyway. The news today: WE'RE ALL VERY FUCKED. THANKS.

Ozy was right, you know. They try to create panic and fear to drive up sales of crap we don't need, so that not only will we feel better about the fear they've put in us, but they can make shit-loads of moolah. But, if you haven't noticed, nobody is buying a fucking thing. Because we're all being fired from our jobs, so that the company you used to work for, can save money.

My suggestion to you, loyal reader, is to get a job as blogger. You will be taken semi-seriously and don't have to ever leave your bedroom/apartment/parent's basement. Nor will you ever have to actually wash. Because, you know, you're connected, and need to stay connected, in order to feed your readership the vital news they need, RIGHT NOW.

Case-in-point.

A review - Zack and Miri make a porno

2008-12-05T18:07:00.001Z

A new Kevin Smith film? Holy shit. Wait, when was his last film? 2006 - only two years ago! You know, Clerks 2? Oh, yeah! Um, well, moving on... So, a new film from Silent Bob? Cool! Starring? Funny man of the moment and Apatow muse (sorry, Steve), Seth Rogen. HOLY SHIT. You can't go wrong with Smith and Rogen teaming up, can you? Actually, yes you can...

The film, which is about two friends who are so hard-up that they decide making a porno would be a good way to get out of their mountainous debt, is Smith's latest venture in comedy. I know, right, when doesn't the guy make a comedy? He's actually pretty damn good at it, but lately... Not so much. So, we have these two best friends, Zack, as played by the wonderful Seth Rogen, and Miri, as played by the wonderfully beautiful Elizabeth Banks (who can be seen in another funny (funnier) film - The 40 Year Old Virgin, on DVD. Go for it). The dynamics between these two don't quite work, if only because it's pretty damn implausible. As any good film, there should be a hint of realism to the implausibility - i.e. Jason Statham being an action hero in the year 2008 - but it just doesn't work here. I can't see Rogen and Banks living together, impoverished, when in all likelyhood, Banks would have succeeded if only because her looks would have carried her. Rogen on the other hand... I buy him as a loser. He's played the role, to much better effect, in several other films. That I'm to believe that these two are not only best friends, but have a chemistry, that only Kevin Smith could write, well, the shit hits the fan and I'm less inclined to give a damn about anything that comes after the intitial porno making.

About that. Zack and Miri initially decide on a Star Wars-themed porno. Watching them talk about the ideas and the script Zack's written for the film (the name of which you can guess, see in a trailer, or just find out when you go see the film) makes me question how much of a Star Wars nerd Kevin Smith is. A big one. I also wonder what'd happen if he ever wrote a Star Wars film proper. It would probably be better than anything George Lucas can come up with.*

Those scenes, for me, are among the best the film has to offer. The film drags in places, and it's not nearly as good as it could have been - especially since Rosario Dawson was originally meant to play Miri (that would have been fucking perfect. And believeable). But you will praise the inclusion of Craig Robinson (another 'guy of the moment' - I won't say the kind of guy, but it's so obvious as to negate any un-PC comments I might make) who is pretty damn funny in this flick, as a co-worker of Rogen's and eventual producer on the porno. Speaking of working together, Robinson and Rogen work together at a "Bean-N-Gone" an obvious parody of a Starbucks or any other obnoxious coffee chain (watch the second episode of the first series of The Sopranos for a better, hilarious play on that). It'll remind you of Clerks, and make you wonder why Smith can't do a similar film, using these guys.
Their boss, Mr. Surya, is fucking hilarious. He plays a typical Indian accented Indian boss. But damn if he isn't awesome in his short, short time on screen. If the film had been an update of Clerks (not a terrible sequel, like Clerks 2) focussing on Robinson, Rogen and their boss - well, the film probably would've been more awesome. As it is... It's OK. So OK that I'm already forgetting what happened, and I've seen it twice. Yeah, Kevin Smith has done some good work on this flick, but it's still a long way for him to go to redeem himself for, well, most of his filmography for this decade.

Wondering why I'm not talking about the porno they make? Well, because those are among some of those few good scenes I talked about. And even then, not that good. But it is better if you go see the film. Because, whilst I didn't like it, it is still a decent night's entertainment. And you will enjoy watching Jason Mewes aka Jay hamming it up as a wannabe pornstar.

Also, everyone should be supporting Seth Rogen. The man, whilst not given some great stuff in this film, is still superbly funny. See it for him, for his boss and for the very funny Justin Long, playing a gay porn actor. He's another small pocket of funny in an otherwise not bad film. Yeah, I'm not that enthusiastic for it, huh?

I'll tell you why, exactly. Because of the ending. Everything that comes before is shat on by the end of the film. I won't spoil it, but all I'm saying is - it felt like Smith was giving us the ending we felt he should've given us for Chasing Amy. Damn him.

*Smith actually wrote a Superman script that was thought pretty highly of around Hollywood. Shame Superman Returns has put paid to another Superman film for a while. Also, Smith should probably take those script writing talents and shop them around town. I'd like to see him writing more, but directing less.

random hard-drive image #1

2008-10-27T13:40:00.000Z

In a bid to be like all the other blogs out there, we here at the Emporium, have decided to bring you a random image, every so often, from our hard-drives (we have several computers on which we store uncountable amounts of porn). In the fairness of TOTAL FUCKING RANDOMNESS, not every single picture will be to your viewing pleasure.

We do not give a fuck.

And so, numero uno - FUCK PIGEONS.

All I'm saying is, I hate rats. And pigeons are like rats, but with wings and the annoying habit of shitting on your new jacket, in broad-fucking-daylight, while you're talking your way in to the cooch of some young, hot new City trader. I once swore a jihad on all the pigeons of the world. That's how much fuck pigeons.

Tooth Fairy

2008-10-25T15:29:00.003+01:00

The Tooth Fairy is, let me tell you all, a fucking cunt. Bitch chews at my mouth like a maggot in the dirt. It's driving me crazy, this toothache. I think I may kill my family, just to escape the pain.

Or, you know, buy some hookers and have me an EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW with the VAGANUS of some stank. Oh yeah, bitches ain't shit but hoes and tooth decay.

The ladyboy and the tramp

2008-10-18T19:44:00.005+01:00

There was a time, once, long ago, that man could buy himself a piece of strange for a fistful of dollars. That love would last long time. And now, now you got to seek the hidey spots of the lovely ladyboys of Saigon to get that stank on your hang-low (if you're like me, and/or me, on your hang-lo lo) and it'll cost you a few dollars more.

I knew a Thai hooker by the name of Miss Chixie-Dicks (fo' real) and she'd often suck me like a motherfucking hoover was attacking my schnoz and then she'd rub my back (!), and then she'd let me finger her with my thumbs and toes (toe fuck her? YES!) and this all came (har) for the princely sum of $9. Yeah, bitches, that's E-CON-A-ME. Now, I'm not saying everyone ought to fuck a hooker. Especially one that used to be a boy, now pretending to be a girl, but kind of badly failing at it. No. What I am saying, is, um, well, USE A CONDOM.

Also, if you're going to pay for it, make sure it comes (har har) with a few moneyback options. Like, if she doesn't let you tie her to an oven and pour hot milk down her back, then she ought not to be collecting your pay, savvy?

So, the point of this pointless entry is - ladyboys. Gods damn, where are they when you need to waste some milk?

Beholden the picturebox! - wherein I review modern TV

2008-10-12T10:27:00.006+01:00

Gossip Girl - What is this facile shit? Not only do none of the leading men have any charisma, but I don't want to have to watch a show that has no bangable leading ladies. Am I to believe that the - actually fairly dull - lives of some rich, obnoxious children is "entertainment"? Well, I guess if you're American, waving around shit on a stick is entertainment. Also, do you really think that some gossip-whore has a network of spies that can be everywhere and anywhere, always there for the moment of gossip making history? Bollocks. This nonsense too easily passes the intelligence detector of the American audience.

Stargate (any) - Holy Jesus on a bike. Why has this rotten dick of a show managed to spawn more entries in shitty sci-fi than I have had hot meals? Is it because I'm anorexic? Porbably. But, come on, even homeless people shouldn't be subject to the continued mis-adventures of some assholes who go through a water hole thing. By the way - Stargate, the world's greatest metaphor for anal sex.

America's Next Top Model - Currently, my girlfriend and I are half-heartedly watching series 11. ELEVEN. That means that there have been 10 previous top models. Now, I could give a fuck for the fashion world, but, what in the balls happened to those 10 (TEN!) previous "top" models? I don't remember them ever making it past my TVBOX. I'm sorry, is winning a competition held by the worst model, Tyra Banks, not incentive enough for you to "make it"? Y'know, fuck reviewing this shit. Also, the models are pig-fugly.

Dr. Who - Why the hell is any self-respecting sci-fi fan watching this? Because there's no such thing as a self-respecting sci-fi fan, that's why! You greasy, useless bits of floating turd have made the moronic, banal adventures of a thin twat popular. God damn, fuck this show. Go watch Battlestar Galactica instead.

Whilst there is plenty of other crappy tv pilling up inside my tvbox, quicker than the sand filling my lungs, these are the only shows I could be bothered to waste my time writing about. I have a vagina to plunder and wine to drink and babies to torture. I'm sure there's plenty of crap you're watching, too.

Fuck you very much.