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There is much I could say about this film. There are great metaphysical questions posed here, by David Fincher and Eric Roth.
There are technical wizardry's on display that will astound and delight you. But you know what? Screw all that.
This film was bland. I was bored. I rarely get bored watching a film. This is probably because I don't watch boring films - You should all go rent/steal/ILLEGALLY DOWNLOAD the Jason Statham tour-de-force that is CRANK. Oh my, what a delight that film is!
But holy gods damn was I bored of this film. I was bored of it as soon as Brad Pitt failed to master his Southern drawl and show some charisma. Even worse considering he's narrator AND star. Seriously, I fucking love Pitt, but my word was he a total cypher in this flick. He narrates what would be an exciting romp through a varied and charmed life, if it were not so fucking bland. I'll tell you what I remember of his life... he kept retreating back to his old home, where he expected everything to be alright. Yeah, that was it. For a kid in an old body, you simply see an old man who may or may not have lost is marbles. For a young man with the wizened oaks of mind (i.e. VICE VERSA, BITCHES) he just seems... bland. BLAND is a word I may use a lot during this review.
Actually, let me tell you about this film, you may have seen it before...
It starts with a young boy, confused and lost in the world, unable to find his place. As he grows up, he has dreams of a distant, far away life, living the adventure he's always wanted to. His mother spouts ridiculous, meta statements. She tells him about life, through various wordy sentences that would make your own mother want to disown you.
Boy grows up. Goes off to live an interesting (read BLAND) life. Comes back home. BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.
I think I just half-arsed described FORREST GUMP there. Oh, right, I did. Probably because The Curious Case of Benjamin Button and Forrest Gump were both written by Eric Roth. A man I hope will never write another film again. And that's saying something, cos the fucker wrote MUNICH. A film nobody saw, but was actually quite interesting.
Oh, fuck this film. It's bland as a motherfucker. Let's talk about CRANK. A film so good, it makes me want to masturbate till my heart bursts out of my chest, and I die in a fiery orgasm. BECAUSE I WILL HAVE CAUGHT FLAME FROM THE PETROL I JUST SPUNKED OUT OF MY EYEBALLS. Seriously, CRANK is such hilarious, over-the-top VIDEO GAME fun, that I wonder why Paul W.S. Anderson hasn't attempted something like it, seeing as that fucker is always cranking out video-game films. Oh, wait, he did try it, with Death Race. Well, OK, nevermind. I just hope his balls drop off. CRANK has Statham, having been poisoned by some deadly poison, having to run around keeping his adrenaline levels up, because if he doesn't, he will DIE. Nobody wants to die, really, so what ensues is a madcap jaunt/chase through, what I think is L.A., seeing Statham aka Chev Chelios fucking up folks and jacking up the ante. Literally - during a great scene in a hospital, he DEFIBRILLATES HIMSELF. Now, not only is this ridiculous and awesome, it's also cocklickingly BADASS. It's at this juncture that I would like to take a moment to talk about the etymology of the word 'CRANK' You know, it's used to describe an act whereby, typically by hand, you impart rotary motion on, say, a series of gears or a rotating shaft. So, by cranking the machine, you make it work. Another use for the word comes from off the streets, yo! It's a slang term used to talk about COCAINE. This film is deeper than you think.
FOR REAL.
There's another scene where Chev has to bang his girlfriend, to keep himself going and it's wonderfully played out with much aplomb by Statham and a wickedly willing Amy Smart. I can only recommend this film so much, so I will. GO WATCH THAT, INSTEAD. Seriously. Benjamin Button is not that good, despite what the posters and the Golden Globe/BAFTA/Oscar nominations say. It will not immerse you in Button's world. It will mostly leave you empty and cold. And this is only if you're NOT an idiot. Idiots will eat this plate of bland up. But you read this site because you're not bland, and because this review is not bland. So do yourself a favour, inject some motherfucking fun in to your evening(s) and watch CRANK. And, if you want to watch an actual, intelligent film, go watch Doubt. It is well made, wonderfully acted and thought provoking. Oh, and it will make you curse the Academy for shafting it, so that they could lick the balls of everyone involved with Benjamin Button, The Reader and Revolutionary Road. Actually, I have a theory as to why The Curious Case of Benjamin Button is getting to much love - It's because nobody fucking saw Zodiac, Fincher's masterpiece. It's his best film to date and I don't believe it gathered any love. So they're making up for it, now. But let me assure you, Benjamin Button will NOT win Best Picture. Slumdog Millionaire has that wrapped up (and rightfully so). If Benjamin Button does win, I'll cockpunch myself.
Go see it because Cate Blanchett is great, because Fincher has employed some wonderful digital FX and because Jared Harris is great in his small role. As is Taraji P. Henson. But, ultimately, don't go see it because you're expecting a great film. No. Don't be fooled.
There are technical wizardry's on display that will astound and delight you. But you know what? Screw all that.
This film was bland. I was bored. I rarely get bored watching a film. This is probably because I don't watch boring films - You should all go rent/steal/ILLEGALLY DOWNLOAD the Jason Statham tour-de-force that is CRANK. Oh my, what a delight that film is!
But holy gods damn was I bored of this film. I was bored of it as soon as Brad Pitt failed to master his Southern drawl and show some charisma. Even worse considering he's narrator AND star. Seriously, I fucking love Pitt, but my word was he a total cypher in this flick. He narrates what would be an exciting romp through a varied and charmed life, if it were not so fucking bland. I'll tell you what I remember of his life... he kept retreating back to his old home, where he expected everything to be alright. Yeah, that was it. For a kid in an old body, you simply see an old man who may or may not have lost is marbles. For a young man with the wizened oaks of mind (i.e. VICE VERSA, BITCHES) he just seems... bland. BLAND is a word I may use a lot during this review.
Actually, let me tell you about this film, you may have seen it before...
It starts with a young boy, confused and lost in the world, unable to find his place. As he grows up, he has dreams of a distant, far away life, living the adventure he's always wanted to. His mother spouts ridiculous, meta statements. She tells him about life, through various wordy sentences that would make your own mother want to disown you.
Boy grows up. Goes off to live an interesting (read BLAND) life. Comes back home. BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.
I think I just half-arsed described FORREST GUMP there. Oh, right, I did. Probably because The Curious Case of Benjamin Button and Forrest Gump were both written by Eric Roth. A man I hope will never write another film again. And that's saying something, cos the fucker wrote MUNICH. A film nobody saw, but was actually quite interesting.
Oh, fuck this film. It's bland as a motherfucker. Let's talk about CRANK. A film so good, it makes me want to masturbate till my heart bursts out of my chest, and I die in a fiery orgasm. BECAUSE I WILL HAVE CAUGHT FLAME FROM THE PETROL I JUST SPUNKED OUT OF MY EYEBALLS. Seriously, CRANK is such hilarious, over-the-top VIDEO GAME fun, that I wonder why Paul W.S. Anderson hasn't attempted something like it, seeing as that fucker is always cranking out video-game films. Oh, wait, he did try it, with Death Race. Well, OK, nevermind. I just hope his balls drop off. CRANK has Statham, having been poisoned by some deadly poison, having to run around keeping his adrenaline levels up, because if he doesn't, he will DIE. Nobody wants to die, really, so what ensues is a madcap jaunt/chase through, what I think is L.A., seeing Statham aka Chev Chelios fucking up folks and jacking up the ante. Literally - during a great scene in a hospital, he DEFIBRILLATES HIMSELF. Now, not only is this ridiculous and awesome, it's also cocklickingly BADASS. It's at this juncture that I would like to take a moment to talk about the etymology of the word 'CRANK' You know, it's used to describe an act whereby, typically by hand, you impart rotary motion on, say, a series of gears or a rotating shaft. So, by cranking the machine, you make it work. Another use for the word comes from off the streets, yo! It's a slang term used to talk about COCAINE. This film is deeper than you think.
FOR REAL.
There's another scene where Chev has to bang his girlfriend, to keep himself going and it's wonderfully played out with much aplomb by Statham and a wickedly willing Amy Smart. I can only recommend this film so much, so I will. GO WATCH THAT, INSTEAD. Seriously. Benjamin Button is not that good, despite what the posters and the Golden Globe/BAFTA/Oscar nominations say. It will not immerse you in Button's world. It will mostly leave you empty and cold. And this is only if you're NOT an idiot. Idiots will eat this plate of bland up. But you read this site because you're not bland, and because this review is not bland. So do yourself a favour, inject some motherfucking fun in to your evening(s) and watch CRANK. And, if you want to watch an actual, intelligent film, go watch Doubt. It is well made, wonderfully acted and thought provoking. Oh, and it will make you curse the Academy for shafting it, so that they could lick the balls of everyone involved with Benjamin Button, The Reader and Revolutionary Road. Actually, I have a theory as to why The Curious Case of Benjamin Button is getting to much love - It's because nobody fucking saw Zodiac, Fincher's masterpiece. It's his best film to date and I don't believe it gathered any love. So they're making up for it, now. But let me assure you, Benjamin Button will NOT win Best Picture. Slumdog Millionaire has that wrapped up (and rightfully so). If Benjamin Button does win, I'll cockpunch myself.
Go see it because Cate Blanchett is great, because Fincher has employed some wonderful digital FX and because Jared Harris is great in his small role. As is Taraji P. Henson. But, ultimately, don't go see it because you're expecting a great film. No. Don't be fooled.
